The Mixed Bag October Edition

The crash course guide to the inside workings of The Schum Bag….gross

Anonymous Commenter:
By Order of the District Court of Colorado
"Anonymous" is to maintain a distance of no less than fifty (50) yards from The Schum Bag at all times. Anonymous may not engage in interaction of any with said Bag, including, but not limited to: drunk posting, racial slander insinuation, or back massage. Violation of this Court Order will result in a fine, imprisonment, or demotion on The Schum Bag’s crazy hot stalker list.

First off, it took me 5 minutes to figure out how to spell anonymous. When spell check doesn’t give you any options you know you are in big trouble. Now to the “Anonymous Commenter” who left an interesting message a few weeks back. I was torn on whether to leave this comment up or pull it down. I like all reactions that my writing invokes and I feel everyone has a right to their opinion, but that one crossed the line. Sorry, I just couldn’t leave it up. However, I was really excited that, 1. The person knew so much about my past and 2. Someone else reads my blog (I think I am now up to 3 readers).

I would like to quote Luke Walton of the Lakers who had is own crazy stalker experience for reflection. "When she pulled up to my house and started yelling at me after she fired a fake gun at me, I couldn't help but to start yelling back at her," Walton said. "She was in my driveway. But when we were interacting, I could tell by the stuff she was saying that she's not all there in the head -- which makes me feel bad for her. At the same time, most people who go on killing sprees are people who aren't all there in the head."

The Youth Vote:
Today I cast my vote for this years presidential election (I will be in Panama on November 4th) I am interested to see the turnout from the younger generations in this years election. Remember when MTV had a big campaign and Diddy wore his “Vote or Die” T-shirt? Well to me, the effort of the younger generation seems a little less hoaky this year but I am still concerned about the turnout. Since most of my readers fall into this demographic (2/3 if you count Anonymous Commenter) this is a call to arms to put down your blackberry, Nintendo controller, iPod or bong and get to the polling station. Make your friends vote as well, after all there is no more effective motivator of our generation then peer pressure. “Come on man everyone is doing it.”


Jobs I would be good at:
I was brainstorming my next career move and here are some of the ideas of professions that I could take to a whole new level.

Kindergarten Teacher- What if I told you there was a job where your only objective was to keep someone’s kid(s) alive for 6 hours a day? Welcome to life as a kindergarten teacher. “Sarah, you ate an entire box of crayons and your tummy hurts? Holy crap. Well, do you think you can make it through the rest of the day without dying until your parents pick you up?” This would be the coolest job ever. I doubt there is anything a 3 year old can say or do that would throw me off of my game. “What Billy? You pooped your pants. No problem buddy as long as it is not a case of Ebola we can get back to finger painting.” Who cares what they learn, they're 3. There is still plenty of time to correct whatever I mess up. Nobody ever blames their kindergarten teacher for their failures in life. [Editor's Note: The Schum Bag has just accidentally uncovered the base reason why the United States has slipped so low in international education rankings. Thanks Schum Bag, somehow I feel I must hold you responsible.]

Professional Gambler – You think I am passionate when I watch sports now? Just imagine if the rent was due. Of course, I would have to retire The Schum Bag name and make everyone call me “Ace. I’d have to get a dog so I could kick it when the team I was betting on lost. I could fly to Vegas every weekend, wear dark sunglasses inside (have you seen me in dark sunglasses?!) Now, I know there are professional poker players, but I want to be the complete package. I'd hit up everything: blackjack, craps, roulette, slots... Just not the The Big Wheel. That’s just silly.

Stay at Home Boyfriend – For 4 months I excelled at this (well, I guess it depends on who you ask). The positives were many: I went to the gym everyday to keep the body of a god in form. Hit up the grocery store for fresh produce and food (I know a good set of melons when I see them). Read and watched a lot of TV as not to embarrass my counterpart at any of her company functions. Shaved and showered occasionally. Took lots of naps so I was well rested and vibrant when she got home from work. I was basically a mix between a trophy wife and a well behaved dog.

There were some downsides though. Like the time I was eating a burrito on the couch and a little cheese fell of the side of my plate. I figured that I would “pick it up after I was finished eating”. By the time I remembered, the cheese had tunneled its way under me, melted due to the hotness of my rear, and stained the new leather couch. (I would like to note that this still could have happened if I had a job, however, the probability percentage of this event would have gone down.) I spent the next two hours trying to figure out how to get cheese stains off leather. All efforts failed and the stain morphed in size due to all my cleaning efforts. Fortunately my quick thinking rescued me and I sat in that same spot every time we were both in the house for the next few days. Genius. I know.

The Name Game:
My buddy Erik who is a semi-loyal reader asked me to help him name his dogeball team. I am thinking about charging a fee for my naming service. This could also be added to the “Jobs I would be good at” where I can name your fantasy football team, dodgeball team or kid’s little league team. Anyway, below were his choices in no particular order.

Small Balls big results
Spheres of Splendor
Balls Deep

Co-Eds with Balls

Hurl Your World
Black AND Blue Balls
If you can dodge your wife you can dodge a ball