If I was a male model, that expression I have on my face would be "The Ponderer, by Noah." I've seen this look on my face in numerous pictures and usually I'm just posing. In this case though, the pose is real; I am honestly thinking, "What the f*** just happened?
It's hard to pinpoint when or why exactly Erik and I started to hang out. It's also hard to figure out why things always seem to get ratcheted up to awesome when are together. A constant stream of "Oh yeah? Well get ready for this!" action that, reflecting back, makes me think that someday we will end up on the Darwin website for guys who didn't make the "evolved" cut. Last weekend was no exception. If you searched for a list of keywords from our weekend, the results would return: guns, rattlesnakes, cops, blood, hospital, cowboy camping and Dukes of Hazard.
Those words should now have you nice and stretched out for the rest of the blog. (I wouldn't want you to pull anything)
Welcome to Antelope Hunting 2010: A 30 Hour Recap, Featuring A Few Extra Hours of Bonus Time
Hour 1: Erik rolls in at 4:00am and bursts through the door, "Ready to shoot some speed goats?" Over the last few years Erik has taught me everything I know about big game hunting. And although my role role in the hunting party is pretty well defined as Comedic Relief and Guy Who Carries Other Guys Dead Animals Out Of The Woods (G.W.C.O.G.D.A.O.O.T.W), I would like to see it evolve in to "Actual Hunter". So I ask a lot of questions. "Speed goats? That sucks, I thought we were going antelope hunting. I don't think I bought the right tags to shoot speed goats. And embarrassingly enough, I don't even know what a speed goat looks like." This is where having a good hunting mentor comes in to play. He explains that on weekends when I change out my Boulder sandals for Redneck boots, we do things like rename the animals we are hunting. We do this to both degrade them and show them how tough we are (i.e. goats) but also give ourselves an out, just in case the are the superior species and we don't shoot one (i.e. speed.) Got it.
Hour 3: Just as we are getting close to the hunting grounds and things have grown quiet in the car, Erik asks if I am ready get hyped up with the new hunting mix. That's right, a hunting mix tape. He explained that any hunting mix tape is kicked off with one song and one song only:
Track One: Ted Nugent: Fred Bear.
I embedded it for your listening pleasure. What I would recommend is that you hit play and listen to it while you read the rest of the blog. No, I can't stop that uncontrollable urge to tap your right leg or limit you from wanting to pump your fist in the air while listening. But I can tell you to TURN IT UP TO ELEVENENENENNENENNENE!!!!!!!!! Well, unless you aren't good at listening to music and reading, like me, then you should turn it down to 3 or pause until you are finished.
Hour 3 plus a few minutes: We stop at McDonalds for some breakfast. As I mentioned, I'm not hunting genius, but don't we wash our clothes in special soap so animals can't smell us? Then we stop for fast food, something that I rarely eat? Just saying, a little counter intuitive...
Hour 4: The hunt is on. And it's like no hunt I have ever experienced. Normally we're knee deep in snow or hiking some giant peak. On this one though, we get out of the car, rifles in hand and are standing in the middle of a field. I make the comment that this is the first time I have actually used Eastern Colorado. The more I think about it Eastern Colorado is kind of like having Rain Man for a brother. Not real great for the important stuff like picking up chicks or wrestling. But good for those one-off situations like counting cards in Vegas. Or in this case, antelope hunting.
Hour 6: Back to the car after walking around flat fields for a couple hours. The highlight of the stroll? Me: "Is that antelope crap?" Erik: "I think so". Not exactly Lewis and Clark.
Hour 7: Driving down the road to the next farm, I'm trying to read the boundary map of where we can hunt and where we can't hunt. I glance up to take a look in the field. "I think that is a heard of antelope". Brilliant I know. Erik asks, "Are we in the right hunting unit?" 30 seconds go by as I try to read the map and all the antelope stare at us growing restless. "Ah, yeah, it appears that we can hunt this farm." Another 30 seconds goes by as we are adding everything up in our head.
We are hunters + we are hunting antelope + they are standing where we can hunt them = ???
They start to wander off as Erik tells me to jump out and get ready. "OK! Wait! Hold my Snickers. Ok! Wait! Have you seen the top to my Gatorade? Ah, I have to put on my orange vest and orange hat so some guy hiding in this flat field doesn't confuse me for an antelope. Ok! I also have to get my gun ready." Clearly my 4 months as a Boy Scout with the motto "always be prepared" is not paying off.
I jump out of the car and take off into the field. The antelope start moving and Erik drives up to try to cut them off before they cross the road. They double back and start picking up speed. My heart is pounding and this might be the moment where I prove my worth to the tribe! One slows and turns, and for the first time hunting with Erik, I pull the trigger.
Booooooooooooom!
A puff of dirt kicks up right in front of her and then 20 seconds later the herd is 2 counties over as I see first hand that they can get up to about Mach 10.
I walk back to the car and Erik is standing next to it, "what happened?" I look at him, "Well lets just say that I don't really qualify for the whole Marines mantra of 1-shot 1-kill."
Hour 8-14: The next few hours are slow. We get a lay of the land driving around to each farm. Plenty of antelope but they must have gotten the memo that today is opening day. We can spot them faintly on the horizon and they can spot us. It is like an old school standoff. I secretly tell them that I will meet them behind Roberts Shorts Stop later (when I was in high school all the after school fights happened behind the gas station Roberts Short-Stop. I never went there of course, because I don't like to get beat up. Anyhow, that's where the good stuff went down.)
Hour 15: While driving to the next farm, we kick up a couple antelope and once again they start making a B-line straight to our unit. Erik guns it to get to the public lands and as we crest over the hill we run right into two separate groups of hunters set up watching the field opposite of where the antelope are. We slow the car and the hunter turns around staring at us. Now, I can tap into my redneck roots a little bit, but when you have camo trim on your truck you have just taken it to a whole other level. We stop, not wanting to spook the antelope as they are slowly moving into the field where everyone is set up.
Now it is getting awkward. The hunter who is giving me the "lets meet behind Roberts Short Stop" look is missing the fact that two antelope are about to run right in front of him. I calmly roll down my window as he stares at me. "Ah, there are two antelope right in front of you." He turns slowly trying to comprehend my full sentence and correct verb tense. "Well hot damn, Billy-Ray-Ricky Curtis get your gun!" Some kid comes flying out of the car in what looks like his pajamas. He is trying to throw on his orange safety vest and get set-up, obviously didn't attend the Boy Scouts either. No shot as the antelope have disappeared over the ridge.
Hour 16: After running into a few more hunters on the outskirts of the unit we decide to head in for one last attempt before dark. We enter the cow pasture and start to walk through the herd when I start to realize they are all bulls, big bulls, who are following us. Erik turns to me, "Did I ever tell you my grandpa was killed by a bull?" I laugh. "No really. Got him on the ground and gored him to death." Well ok then.
We must have been paying too much attention to the bulls because out of nowhere 6 antelope appear 50 yards away staring at us.
Both of us drop to one knee as they start to run for it. Apparently antelope don't like to hop fences and for a brief moment we have them cornered. "LAY THE HAMMER DOWN!" (Ok I didn't yell that but it would have been cooler if I did)
BOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!!
BOOOOMMMMM !!!!!!! BOOOOOMMMMM!!!!!
BOOOOM! BOOOM! BOOM!
Lead flys and the odds have to be in our favor...although nothing hits the deck.
I turn to Erik, "I think I missed both of my shots. I don't know how. They practically filled up my scope."
"What?"
"I missed" I repeat.
Erik stares at me, "I think I'm deaf. I can't hear you. Your gun was firing three feet from my head. But I think we missed all five shots." We stare into the distance for a second. "On the upside it seems like you have discovered where your trigger is."
"Yeah I guess." I say, still confused.
"What?"
Hour 17: After getting back to the car and making our way to town in silence, partly because we were both trying to figure out what happened and partly because Erik could not hear my half of the conversation, the blue and red lights flash behind us. The cop walks up to the window, "Howdy boys. You hunters? 'Cause if not you're probably terrorists." I wonder what the qualifications to be a cop are in Eastern Colorado?
Hour 19: We return to the fields after dinner for a little cowboy camping. This is where we roll out the sleeping bags and sleep under the stars. As I am laying down, I'm feeling a little exposed. "Do you think there are rattlesnakes out here?" Erik, "Nah. If there were they probably wouldn't be out at night." I always differ to Erik when we are hunting, but secretly I start to brainstorm ways to get a snake out of your sleeping bag if one slithered in.
Hour 25: We roll out of dirt with moral a little low. By all accounts of what was supposed to happen, we should be sleeping in our own beds with a stocked freezer by now. As we load up in the car and start the granola bar beef jerky breakfast buffet I ask Erik if he has seen the show Friday Night Lights. "No." I explain the premise of the show but then also the line that coach Taylor always pumps that gives me goose bumps. "Clear eyes, full heart, can't loose." (Normally I don't buy into that network television crap but I love this) I get the "why are you telling me this" look.
Not 10 minutes later we come over the crest and notice a lone antelope running right at us. I look at Erik as he is getting loading his gun. "Clear eyes, full heart, can't lose!" (I think I just broke the record for most exclamation marks in a blog. I will have to go back and check)
The antelope slows and stops right in front of him. As I mentioned, Erik is my hunting mentor. He is alone in the field with the antelope. It's like watching the awesome fight scene at the end of a good movie where you expect your hero to win. He has to win right? Right? I have pretty high expectations that he actually know what he is doing. This is why every winter I get up early, freeze my ass off and sleep in the dirt. I have to have the faith that he can lead me to the promise land of holding a dead animals head up on my facebook page.
Boooooooooooom!
The Karate Kid delivers the Crane Kick.
He walks back to the car as I yell, "I told you motha f****** all you needed was a little pep talk!". He smiles, "Can you help me pull all these sand burrs out of my ass?"
Hour 26: Erik is cleaning his bounty and I spot a couple more antelope in the distance. He encourages me to leave the nest and spread my wings on my own.
I run off, staying low to the ground and creep behind the bushes. (Wait. Wait. Wait. Go back up and restart the song for more effect) I sneak to the edge of the field and then get on all fours and start the belly crawl through the grass. Its slow going. I can see them turn and look in my direction. I follow the rules. I stop. I hold. I am patient. I am a hunter.
The minutes tick by and I make my way to the edge of the grass. I watch and I wait. I decide this is as close as I can get. Slowly I pull off my backpack and lay it on the ground. I place my gun on top of it and pear through the scope. The sun is at a bad angle and I have to adjust, moving quietly. I find her in my scope, small but manageable. The gun is steady and I start to talk myself into this moment.
"Come on. You did everything right. You stayed low. You were quiet. You have a steady shot. You EARNED this. This is your moment."
Booooooommmmmm!!!!!!
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
It is official: there is blood on my hands. No literally. My face is now bleeding all over my hands, all over my gun, down on to my coat and a little bit sprayed onto my backpack. It appears that when adjusting the shot I got the scope a little too close. Combine that with the fact that I am shooting an arm cannon and the recoil was enough to split my forehead and spray some blood all over.
You know that moment when you realize it is your blood? I hate that moment. I get up quick trying not to panic. I have no idea how bad it is I just know that it feels like a lot. I make it back to the car where Erik is staring at me trying to figure out what happened. I gauge how bad it is by his expression. "That's not quite the blood I was looking for." As he laughs. "You also missed." Good. He is laughing as I bend down to look in the mirror. I am still seeing stars and can't say anything. The head bleeds a lot right?
Hour 27: After another effort at tracking some more animals down we load up in the car. Two minutes in Erik slows the car. "I think I just ran over a big snake." Sure enough we back up and get out of the car. He isn
't huge, but a large rattle snake is standing up ready to strike. We didn't exactly run over him, just his tail. So now he can't rattle before he strikes. I can't think of anything more terrifying then that exact scenario. I vote to shoot him before he kills some sorry hunter in the bush. Erik says that me shooting at anything else for the rest of the day is probably not a good idea and probably wouldn't have much effect on the snake anyway.Hour 30: We pull up to the house and I wait for Heidi's reaction. Unlike Erik, I know her reaction is going to be more proportional to the actual severity. "Oh MY GODDDDD. What happened to your face?"
Hour 31: I shower the crusty blood off and every time I move my eyebrow, blood starts to run down my nose. After a lot of complaining and a lack of medical supplies I agree to go to the hospital.
Hour 32: The P.A. comes in before stitching me up. "So tell me how this happened."I look at her slyly and flash her The Ponderer, "Let me tell you about the adventures of Captain Colorado and his hunting sidekick...." Heidi interrupts me, "His gun hit him in the face."
I guess not everyone likes the pose.
